Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Chloe

So, we started with the usual 20-line emails about how we were doing, how wonderful things were, a few innocent memories retold.  Didn't get far down the line before the dam broke, the torch relit.  All those stuffed feelings, all that ouch came rushing back.  As we talked more, I realized how numb, how disconnected I had become over the years.  She discovered the same emotions.  
Chloe and I were sending over a hundred emails to each other a day, from the mundane ( So, what's for lunch today? ) to the whiny ( guess what my idiot did today ) to the pseudo-erotic ( example redacted, sorry ).  It was wonderful.
Ya' ever go outside and play in the snow?  Your hands eventually go completely numb, you can't feel anything, so its ok to keep playing.  Eventually, you go, take the gloves off and everything starts to warm up again.  And it hurts like hell, going from being numb to feeling things again.
The problem with remembering that I loved this girl, now a woman, was that I realized I didn't feel that for TW.  At all.  I didn't hate her, I didn't want ill to happen to her.  I was just....ambivalent.  It wasn't a case where I had to fall out of love for one to fall in love with the other, I realized that my feelings for TW had been gone since the second year.  When I kept getting told time and time again that "We shouldn't be together", I didn't stop to think she might be right, I merely tried to figure out how to keep it together.  After all, that what I said I would do.
TW sensed this and it came to a head one Thursday night.  I should mention a distinct difference in our arguing styles.  I tend to get very quiet, calm and logical.  She gets extremely emotional, says things she doesn't mean to say and leaves when the conversation goes against her.  So it was not only explosive, but unproductive.  And left me feeling more in despair than before.
So, the next day, I emailed Chloe again, as usual.  Told her the story, as usual.  And, 4 months after we found each other, we finally agreed to meet.  Required me visiting the old homestead, not something I did often.
We met at a public park, luckily the weather co-operated.  She was nervous, as was her norm, I was unnaturally calm, which is NOT my norm.  She wore her sunglasses the entire time, as I remarked about her stunning eyes, a rather exotic super-bright blue, continually.  Eventually we loosened up, relaxed a little bit.  I kissed her, she kissed back.  We talked a bit more, then went our separate ways.  That was two years ago, haven't physically seen her since.
But we talk, every day, via email or Facebook.  Over the last two years, her marriage continued disintegrating and we've gotten each other through the tough parts.  We have, at her request, pulled back the sexual innuendo, the tales of longing for each other and the stories of dreams of running away and being together.
To this day, when I do dream, it is still almost always of her.  I dunno how much of it is based in reality, how much is based on an idealized version of we could be, but for me, she'll always be the one.
Geez.  I think I'll need something stronger than water tonight.

1 comment:

  1. As I start to comment, I have to work to make it not sound like me. Aggravating.

    Good grief, love, but I sort of pity you. (Hey, do you like how I don't use your name? You have no idea how I'm struggling to comment without my normal phrases) You met, but she didn't take off her sunglasses? Ummmm - you kissed her. Why didn't you just reach up and slide them off? You seriously need to work on the assertiveness. I guess it's too much to ask to see a pic? Voyeur, you know. No, not a nudie!!! Good grief.

    I hate to play the devil's advocate (hahahahahaha irony), but I'm somewhat disturbed that she will no longer allow the sexual innuendo. Repeat of someone who isn't interested in sex that much? (I cannot be the only one who thinks about that constantly, right?) I may be wrong, but it sounds as though you're being used as a therapist and a crutch.

    Sorry, I know she's your ideal, and I completely understand how that overrides all logic. Really, I do. I just want to see you happy and not used (yes, I get the irony there too).

    Please continue. Hope the feedback doesn't squelch the honesty. I really do appreciate it.

    And you had the opportunity for something stronger than water tonight!!! You know, you are awfully fun to hang with. I think I'm more uninhibited though.

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